Jest Indian -- Sensibly satirical

For Hire - Wedding Guests

2005-08-20T10:06:00.000-04:00

Jodhpur, Rajasthan. Aug 19: An Indian entrepreneur has found a new niche in outsourcing services. A company in the North Indian state of Rajasthan has discovered a niche in providing outsourced guest services to wedding parties.
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/1205148.cms?headline=Now,~wedding~guests~for~hire

The proprietor, a wedding crasher in his previous 'business' has clearly moved up the value chain. Commenting on this latest venture, the owner said that the rates he charges are commesurate with the 'dress and appearance' of the guests. While 'guests' wearing kurta-pyjamas were available for Rs. 150 per day, the prices skyrocket to Rs. 2,500 per day for an "English speaking whitish gentlemans" (sic). Asked about future plans for this venture, he said that the company was looking to diversify into providing allied services like 'coaching classes' for guests, an online portal for 'alumni' amongst others.

Want to be healthy? Drink this beer.

2005-08-18T10:05:00.000-04:00

Khoday, Kerala. Aug 19: True to the spirit of Kerala's entreprenurial spirit, a local inventor entrepreneur announced that he had invented a healthy beer. This brew contains essential vitamins like B1, B6, B12 and C.

The inventor seemed very happy with the public response so far. He also said that there was wide-spread interest in international markets like the US and UK. He was also considering petitioning the FDA to approve this as an 'essential food' in the national interest.
http://headlines.sify.com/news/fullstory.php?id=13920005&headline=Kerala~says~cheers~to~

Locals at a 'taste and test' event arranged at a picteresque shorefront hotel were unanimous in their opinion. "This is tasting better than everything else", said a father of five. Trailing him were the little ones, aged 7 through 12 - each with his or her own bottle of 'healthy tonic'. "You know, I have been trying to make them have more vitamins, and this is really very good for that", he added, before he walked away.

The launch however was not without it's fair share of controversy. The "Kerala Illicit Toddy Brewers Union" staged a noisy protest outside the venue. The leaders of the protestors claimed that their toddy was equally if not more healthy - and that this new brew was nothing more than a comspiracy by vested foreign interests.

Elsewhere, MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) declined to comment on this brewing controversy.

Sachin to 'play' on mobile games

2005-08-17T18:17:00.000-04:00

Mumbai, Aug 17: India's fast fading batting star Sachin Tendulkar today unveiled a new strategy to shore up his batting skills and regain at least some of his past glory. Speaking at a packed press conference at the Wankhade Stadium, Sachin announced that he will be batting, fielding and turning his arm over in 'games' played on mobile phones.
http://headlines.sify.com/news/fullstory.php?id=13919599&headline=Sachin~to~feature~on~mobile~phone~games

Commentators believe that this move will help Sachin regain his batting touch, and move up the rankings.

Left leaders react to Prime Minister's Independence Day speech

2005-08-16T15:06:00.000-04:00

Calcutta, Aug 15 - Leaders of India's Left parties reacted to the Prime Minister's Independence Day speech with characteristic intensity.

Soon after the PM wrapped up his speech, the CPI praised the Prime Minister for showing "great concerns for economic and social development of the country". CPI general secretary D Raja said, "The Prime Minister's speech was reasonably motivated with good intentions and great concerns for the economic and social development of the country". He also praised the PM for "motivating people towards the path to prosperity".
http://www.expressindia.com/fullstory.php?newsid=52783

Meanwhile in Calcutta, leaders of the CPI and CPM flayed the Prime Minister and his government for their "anti-people" policies. Speaking at a press conference, the President of CPM's labor body said, "His statement is one-sided and is not acceptable to us''. He also termed the Prime Minister's speech "bogus" and "unfortunate".
http://www.newindpress.com/Newsitems.asp?ID=IEH20050816102838&Title=Top+Stories&Topic=0

Aussies open immigration door wider - World reactions

2005-08-16T13:48:00.000-04:00

Canberra, Aug 16 - Australia announced today that the nation was opening it's doors wider to increase immigration into the country. Sources say that the Australians will start with expos next month in Berlin, Amsterdam, London and Chennai.
http://www.hindustantimes.com/news/181_1462917,0005.htm?headline=Australia~looks~for~20,000~skilled~workers

Coming after years of restrictions on immigration, this move was welcomed both by immigration advocates and prospective immigrants. Reaction from world leaders was equally positive.

In India, the Ministry of NRI Affairs welcomed this announcement saying that it will help the Government meet the promises made under the National Rural Employment Guarantee Bill and the Pradhan Mantri Rozgar Yojana. Sources also said that the Prime Minister was indeed referring to this scheme on August 15th, when from the ramparts of the Red Fort, he had said, ‘‘There comes a time in the history of a nation when it can be said that the time has come to make history. We are today at the threshold of such an era. The world wants us to do well and take our rightful place on the world stage. There are no external constraints on our development. If there are any hurdles, they are internal.’’

In the United Kingdom, speculation is rife that the recent thrashing that Ponting and his boys received from the Poms has indeed prompted the Australian government to open the immigration doors again. They said that the Aussies were trying to lure 'Freddie' and his team - and hoping that they will soon line up outside Australia House, the home of the Australian High Commission in the UK.

In the United States, some Indian Americans were concerned about the possible impact of this move on their motherland. A spokesman for the Indian American Association said, "We should really do something for our motherland. It is sad to see so many bright brains leave the country. We should really do something for India. We will speak to the Congressional delegation about this."

China wants to surpass India in BPO

2005-08-13T09:45:00.000-04:00

The Financial Express today announced that senior economists believe that China is slated to surpass India in the fast growing Business Process Outsourcing (BPO) sector.
http://www.financialexpress.com/latest_full_story.php?content_id=99216?headline=China~wants~to~beat~India~in~BPO

Responding to the latest challenge, India's NASSCOM said that the Indian industry is "not worried". The spokesman said that with a growing population and a continued emphasis of Indian families to urge their children towards becoming only engineers or doctors, analysts do not foresee a shortage of skilled labor.

Asked if the recent disclosure of information security breaches at Indian call centers, he responded, "Such things happen everywhere. Now, why are you trying to spoil the market mood by saying this. Let this be. Thoda se information leak hua tho no problem."

Meanwhile, ministers in the North Indian states of Bihar, UP and Uttaranchal promised to help India's looming problem of shortage of IT workers by introducing a drive targeted towards maintaining and increasing the population in their states. They said in a joint statement, "It is afterall about development for our people".

Litter free city

2005-08-12T11:47:00.000-04:00

In a major development, a small city in South India today announced the launch of India's only litter-free city. Kozhikode in Kerala has launched an impressive program that allows residents to dispose off their household and commercial waste in specially marked containers called "waste recepticals".

http://www.indianexpress.com/full_story.php?content_id=76119&headline=From~today,~India~gets~first~litter-free~city

In a related move, Congress, the state's opposition party said that they opposed the litter free drive and called this an election gimmick. At a rally in the city center, party workers from the opposition party tore up posters announcing the new anti-litter law and left a trail of litter in their wake. As they were leaving the maidan, some miscreants also burnt a public transport bus, two passenger cars and a couple motorcycles.

Asked to comment on this 'public outburst of support', a Congress party spokesman said that his party would continue to take this battle to the streets and represent the rights of the people. The party was also considering declaring a 'Kerala Bandh' and a 'Rasta Rokko' against the anti-litter campaign.

Ganguly back as Indian captain

2005-08-12T11:32:00.000-04:00

New Delhi - Indian selectors today announced that Saurav Ganguly has been re-instated as the captain of the Indian cricket team. Speaking at a packed press conference, the Chairman of the selectors said, "the decision was unanimous. Only 1 or 2 people objected, but all were very unanimous."

Asked whether this was a reversal of fortune for Rahul, the Chairman said, "No no not at all, Rahul can continue to keep wickets, bat and field. He can also bowl if he feels he is not being given enough opportunities".

Commentators believe that the recent changes may have been a result of Saurav receiving a vote of confidence from certain Sri Lankan and Australian players - and going against this much needed FDI (foreign direct involvement) would be against India's policy.

In an apparently related development, Rahul Dravid today announced that he would be stepping down from the upcoming Afro-Asian cricket series due to personal reasons (http://www.hindustantimes.com/htcricket/14_1459603.htm). The Chairman clarified, "The reasons are indeed personal", and said "nobody should read too much into this". Our cricket correspondant later found out that the Chairman was right - Rahul was taking this personally.

Election Commission orders electoral rolls to be purged

2005-08-06T10:32:00.000-04:00

"NEW DELHI, AUGUST 5: In an attempt to clean up the electoral process, beginning with Bihar, the Election Commission today asked the state government to delete, from the electoral rolls, the names of those against whom non-bailable arrest warrants could not be executed for more than a period of six months. "

Reacting to the latest announcement, the honorable representatives from the state of Bihar said, "you know, jab thak rahen Dilhi mein Lallo, thab thak we do not want any criminals to vote in elections". Asked whether there was a dichotomy since under the current rules, such a person de-barred from voting would not be de-barred from standing for election, he said ,"Because such patriotic citizens cannot vote, they will exercise their democratic right to participate in elections by standing as candidates."

India's UN Bid receives boost from US

2005-07-22T10:10:00.000-04:00

Indian bid for seat at UN receives tacit US support

Indian officials in New York today declared that they have recived strong support for India's bid for a permanent seat at the UN Security Council.

Quoting PM Singh, the official (who wished to remain anonymous) said, "Did you not hear what happened when the Prime Ministerji spoke about the UN bid? The applause he received at the House of Congress for the sentence about the United Nations was the longest".

PM Singh had said, "On the reform of the United Nations, we believe that it is time to recognize the enormous changes that have occurred since the present structure was established. There must be comprehensive reform of the United Nations to make it more effective and also more representative. The UN Security Council must be restructured as part of the reform process. In this context, you would agree that the voice of the world's largest democracy surely cannot be left unheard on the Security Council when the United Nations is being restructured."

The House of Congress today clarified that "the applause has been misquoted". They also blamed the media for "projecting the entire issue in wrong light".

On further investigation, this reporter found out that the page boys and girls who occupied 66.66% of the seats in the chamber apparently thought the Prime Minister Singh was referring to a new realty TV show that PM Singh "did not want to be left out of".

Indian nuclear dreams short-lived - 0009

2005-07-19T18:13:00.000-04:00

India's nuclear dreams were short-lived, barely 24 hours after it was reported that President Bush had agreed in principle to allow transfer of civilian nuclear technology. Apparently, the Indian mandarins had misunderstood the President's 'new killer-support' for India as carte-blanche 'nuclear support'.

The Indian Express, in an editorial bereft of clarity was not sure whether to call the new arrangement between the US and India 'a major landmark', or a 'work in process'. Hence, they called it both.

Former Presidential candidate John Kerry (D) released a statement, "this goes to prove that we need a President who can think, spell and speak nuclear, and recite it backwards too. See what a foreign policy faux-pax he's done". Asked to comment on this faux-pax, President Bush said that he would 'prefer to keep the French out of this one'.

What's with the Bush dinner for Dr. Singh? 0008

2005-07-18T16:17:00.000-04:00

First Lady Laura Bush today expanded her search for a new Executive Chef for the White House, by convincing her husband President George W. Bush to host an Indian-curry dinner.

The White House has been left without an Executive Chef since Walter Scheib III left early this year. Making a break with tradition, the Indian delegation's Chef-De-Mission will step in to cook pots of fragrant basmati rice and assorted accompaniments, competing with the incumbent Asst. Executive Chef. In keeping with the trend of reality TV bake-offs (pun unintended), the final rounds will be a hybrid of Hells Kitchen and Survivor.

Billed as an extremely rare event, the 5th Official Dinner of the Bush White House (and the 1st in the 2nd term) has got the India media outlets pretty excited. Little does anyone realize that the Indian Chef-De-Mission might get hired on a H1-B visa, if the curries ('oooh...cowries') and naans ('i LOVE indian nons') turn out well tonight.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, while refusing to deny, confirm or directly name the source of this leak, said "we are committed to taking India-US relations to a new high". Responding to another questions, he said 'You might want to look for the joint statement that's coming out later. I think it will talk about how today has been an important step forward in our relationship. We have had a strong relationship with India, and that relationship is only being deepened by the meetings and the dinner that is occurring later this evening'. Jest Indian is proud to be the first major non-media outlet to hint how the relationship is being deepened, and the 'dinner that is occurring'.

Meanwhile, the Washington Post and New York Times clarified that it was going to be an "official dinner", not a "state dinner" like the previous four events, because Dr. Singh is a head of government, not a head of state. Indian political pundit and observers said, while it is sad that India did not get an assurance of a seat at the UN Security Council, it was 'indeed a great honor for the Prime Minister of India to get a seat at an official dinner'.

Elswhere, the Maino Times of Italy reported Sonia Gandhi ominously hinting, 'there is nothing "official" about the dinner, anyways!!'.

About the Minister who brought his Nephew to operate a Laptop - 0007

2005-07-18T16:06:00.000-04:00

Laptop Nephew

An Indian minister was recently caught trying to smuggle his nephew inside his laptop case. Customs officials at the Bonn airport in Germany got suspicious when the Minister declared a 6 foot long bag as his "very important laptop bag". It did not help that the poor nephew also peeked out of a hole to take a quick look around.

Stating the importance of bringing his nephew along, the Minister declared, "‘On behalf of the Government, I am leading delegation to Germany for discussions with the board of Volkswagen AG, Wolfsburg. It is very essential that my nephew has also to accompany me on this trip. He is afterall not seen foreign country yet".
During interrogations, the nephew explained that he had finished his NIIT course and was therefore the most qualified person to click the up and down arrows on the Minister's laptop while he made presentations. The other officials of the delegation proved their ineptitude by asking the Bonn officials whether they could see the Eenadu channel on the TV that the Minister brought along.

Continuing his justification for bringing his nephew along, he said, "Lasht year, when I come to America (sic), my niece was coming. How can I leave poor Bablu alone behind? Is this not discrimination?".

Back in India, the Opposition party is calling for an investigation on how their party failed to exploit this loop hole when they were in power.

PM Singh late for White House Press Conference - 0006

2005-07-18T16:04:00.000-04:00

President Bush welcomed Prime Minister Singh to the White House today. In a rousing welcome speech, punctuated with fist punching and shouts of "Hindi-America bhai bhai", the President declared that "India is an ally". The President also clarified that rumors of his job being outsourced to Gurgoan were not true. NASSCOM declared that "they will look into the matter and hope that the Americans leverage the great talent that India has to offer".

Reacting to the President's comments, mandarins of the Indian phoren ministry were quick to welcome the President's remarks and said that this was proof of the 24th (or is it 25th?) "new era" in Indo-US relations.

Dr Singh, in his acceptance address, said he greatly valued the opportunity to visit the country without having to line up at the US Embassy for a visa under the hot Delhi sun. His personal secretary noted a fax immediately to the Madam's office thanking her for this opportunity.

Touching upon another issue Dr. Singh said, "India has a compelling case for permanent membership on the Security Council,". Of course, with a billion plus people, India has a strong case for permanent membership on ANY club.

Earlier, as Dr. Singh arrived at the press conference, a reporter asked him why he was late to the conference. Dr. Singh sheepishly pointed to the blue turban he was wearing and said "you know".

PM to battle video piracy - 0005

2005-07-18T16:02:00.000-04:00

PM to battle Video Piracy in US

Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh today announced that he was going to declare a "Global war on piracy". Stating that this was a top priority in Indo-US relations, he called upon the Indian-Americans (including the illegals) to stop renting DVDs from the local desi stores as an effective first step in stopping this global tyranny.

Speaking to a packed audience at the local Dhaba, he presented charts that showed that the rate of growth of the Indian economy was directly correlated to the number of pirated DVDs being sold in US. Applauding the PM's deep intellect, a local honcho announced, "HASH (Hum Aapke Saath Hein)". In conclusion, Dr. Singh referred to the recent successes of Mallika Sherawat at the Cannes festival as a sign of the increasing size of Indian presence on the world stage. Some reporters could see an angry Mrs. Kaur stepping on Dr. Singh's toes as he finished his speech.

His-story-cal, cut ah! - 0004

2005-07-18T09:40:00.000-04:00

Move on, Baker's Dozen. The number 15 felt 'odd' today, that it was usurped by Sweet 16, Saurav Ganguly. Forced out of international cricket inaction, thanks to an ICC ban, the Indian cricket selectors were forced to fit in the dada as the 16th Man.

Recalling his days as 12th Man, almost 12 years ago, when he refused to carry sweaty towels and cold water bottles, Saurav said, "I don't know quite what to expect of my role. But at least, I know there are 4 more people ahead of me to carry the towels and bottles."

The Sachin Tendulkar Fan Club, keeping it's pressure on Saurav, released a terse statement, 'at least he is not a stranger to the comforts of the club room'. They also pointed out that they appreciated the irony in the Jest Indian title. Go figure!!

GANGuly, to ban or to be - 0003

2005-07-17T09:58:00.000-04:00

Indian cricketer and former 12th Man Saurav Ganguly's fate hangs in the balance, with 48 hours to go before the Indian cricket squad will be picked for the tri-series in Sri Lanka.

Long accustomed to hiding behind the heroics of Sachin Tendulkar (during the 20th century), and hence never really being under the micrsocope, Saurav finds himself in a pickle. The world and the selectors have at last woken up to realize that Sachin's scores in the 21st century read more like rural pin/zip codes, with Saurav's record too not being too far behind, with a string of juicy zeroes. In fact, the 'Saurav Dada Fan Klob of Kolkatta' has asserted on its 'Websoite' that Sachin had racheted more zeroes than Saurav Dada, asserting that Dada was better than Sachin.

Saurav who faces an ICC ban from playing international cricket for 6 months, might be forced to sit out of action anyways. Under the conditions, no one is sure whether Saurav can be slotted in as the 12th man, to keep an eagle eye on Dravid and the Flock. This too, was reportedly causing him concern and stress, since the new ICC rules allows a captain to call the 12th man into play too. He is worried that Dravid might use as a way to force him on to a hot, dusty, tiring field of play. Meanwhile, a group of Indian cricket lovers were in an all-night prayer vigil, hoping that ICC would enforce it's ban, for the good of Indian cricket.

Meanwhile, Saurav's family released a note demanding that the ICC allow 'non playing captains in cricket, in the nation's interest'.

The Sachin Tendulkar Fan Club responded that Saurav was already accorded that status, in violation of ICC regulations. They also hinted darkly that Sachins lean patch (or planet) would go away once Saurav gave him 'space on the team'.

Elsewhere, it was reported that Albie Sachs, the head of the ICC Dispute Resolution Committee, the man will have the final say on whether Saurav will be banned from cricket for trangressing the tenements of cricket. The ICC clarified that Sachs was not a relative of Sachin.

Secretary SK Nair, President Ranbir Singh Mahendra, Vice President Rajeev Shukla, and their coterie of PA's were 'seized of the matter' and refused to make any comments.

2005-07-17T00:35:00.000-04:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

India is not 'for sale' - 0002

2005-07-16T14:22:00.000-04:00

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh today lashed out at reporters for suggesting that 'India is for sale'. "Can you imagine that any Prime Minister will consciously or unconsciously sell India cheap. Nobody can sell India. India is not on sale," he bellowed adding, "nobody has to teach us lessons on patriotism."

Commenting that the Congress Party had produced the 'most outstanding' bravest freedom fighters who challenged foreign rule, he failed to state who would rise to challenge the Italian Empress Sonia Gandhi, who was currently ruling India. It is however another matter that there is no real man left standing in the Congress who can challenge such foreign rule.

Prime Minister Singh also brushed aside as 'insidous rumors by our nefarious neigbhors' that his entourage was carrying tags that read 'For Sale. $9.99 only' and 'Limited Time Offer' to the United States. The Pakistan Foreign Office released a one line statement accusing India of a 'sales race', stating that India was trying to mimic Pakistan in selling her soul to foreign powers.

Inspired by:
http://www.hindu.com/thehindu/holnus/000200507162101.htm?headline=India~not~on~sale:~Manmohan~tells~Left

Harri Puthar in India - 0001

2005-07-16T11:37:00.000-04:00

Responding to rumors that Harri Puthar was going to make an appearance after midnight, Sadhus associated with the BJP congregated at 11 PM, waiting for the final arrival. It was rumored that the arrival of the 6th Avathar of Harri Puthar would be heralded by a 500 page book, that one had to read by candle light, sitting on a broomstick.

Sadhu Advani said it was a reminder of the simple days of yore, when ancient Indians sat on deer skin and read manuscripts by the little ghee-lamp lights.

"It was nearing midnight and the prime minister was sitting alone in his office", begins the book. While millions of school children and non-going-to-school children eagerly awaited answers for many mysteries, Sadhu Advani proclaimed that at last the world knew that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh did not share an office with Sonia Gandhi. He said the entire situation has become clear, and now there was no controversy on who really sat in the PM's chair.

"It says 'his' office", Advani gleefully proclaimed, which was not the official position of the BJP.

Elsewhere, stepping up the pressure on Sadhu Red Krishna Advani, the BJP (which was torn between the VHP, RSS and XML), said that the principle of one man-one post had to be resolved.

"We cannot allow Sadhu Advani to comment on Harri Puthar, since it violates the ideological commitments of the party. Also, the controversy on who really is the PM is not resolved and we don't think that Harri Puthar's book offers any clues. Further more, it is important that the entire situation becomes clear so that all controversies are cleared", Senior BJP Leader and MP Pyarelal Khandelwal said.

When this correspondent tried to reach Sonia Gandhi for comment, her most-reverential convent-educated PA said that Mrs. Gandhi had no comment because her demands for sidelining Advani were being followed by Sr. BJP Leader Madanlal Khurana. The PA refused to comment on why Harri Puthar referred to the prime minister as 'his'.

Inspired by:
http://us.rediff.com/news/2005/jul/16bjp.htm and
http://us.rediff.com/news/2005/jul/16harry.htm

Pakistan chides India - 0000

2005-07-16T11:13:00.000-04:00

Keeping in spirit with its tradition of exhorting the world to keep up to its standards of ethical behavior, the Foreign Office of the self-elected leader of Pakistan today asked the world’s largest democracy to ‘take care before coming to conclusions’ that Pakistanis were behind the recent attacks in Ayodhya.

In a hastily-called press conference, the spokesman intoned on how it was important to verify unverifiable antecedents of anti social elements before accusing even known bad guys, of wrong doing.

“Incomplete evidence demonstrates that legal due process was not followed”, he said, and pointed out that “the attackers ate Chicken Tikka Masala, which was not the official Pakistani cuisine. Also, their taxi driver reported that they drank masala chai, but not Rooh Afza, and hence there is not even circumstantial evidence of their affiliation to the Great Country of Pakistan”.

“It is a common knowledge that sometimes police authorities apportion blame on foreign elements in order to avoid responsibilities to apprehend the real culprits”, he was quoted as saying, for a moment not pausing to wonder at the sweet irony of what he’d just said!

The Indian side could not be reached for a comment, but a voice mail message at the Indian Ministry of External Affairs said “we do not seek any international involvement in an internal dispute over territory with Pakistan [sic].”. Latest news reports are that Prime Minister Singh is finalizing plans to travel to the United States to seek their support in stating that Pakistan was a rogue nation. Prime Minister Singh is looking forward to his visit and taking back newspaper clippings, so he could prove to his grandchildren that he was in fact ‘an Indian leader’.

Elsewhere, a Congress spokeswoman clarified that Sonia Gandhi’s behind-the-curtains role did not constitute as international involvement in internal affairs. No further explanations were given.

Inspired by:
http://www.rediff.com/news/2005/jul/15attack.htm